Simply Authentic...Your Soul Voice is Calling. His Four Dark Secrets: My Two Deep Regrets

His Four Dark Secrets: My Two Deep Regrets A colleague of mine recently wrote a blog post entitled My 4 Darkest Secrets & Why I'm Coming Clean. It even came with a warning: “In this article I share very personal and intimate facts about my life. Do not read this if you do not want to learn such things.” Of course, I read it. But then I read everything Lennon writes, so it wasn’t just morbid curiosity on my part, thank you very much. In a nutshell, his four dark secrets were that he has previously or does currently 1) watch porn, 2) smoke pot, 3) took anabolic steroids, twice 4) contracted a sexually transmitted disease, HVP. He included this quote: As Brené Brown suggests, when we are courageous enough to admit our insecurities, we live a fuller and more authentic life. Let’s take just his second secret as an example of how different people are shamed or embarrassed by different things. I would say roughly 60-75% of my freshman year college friends (the majority of whom went to a Catholic high school—I met them through my roommate) smoked pot as part of their regular “party” practice. Marijuana wasn’t legal in South Dakota then and it’s still not, while it is now here in Oregon. There was nothing shameful about it to any of them, nor to a certain law school student I briefly dated in my late 20’s, or an extraordinarily talented musician I had a short relationship with after my divorce. I subscribe to the newsletter of a wonderful local photographer – Peter makes his living as an artist – and he will write about his experience “smoking a bowl” on a beach in Hawaii as casually as someone else might say “I had a Hawaiian pizza for dinner last night.” Lennon, on the other hand, is a spiritually oriented marketing professional with a different audience – he wondered what his clients would think reading his article and learning his “dark” secrets. Personally, I bought a couple of porn videos once, in my 20’s, out of curiosity. I had them for a while. Then I let them go. I tried pot a few times in college – never cared for it; on the other hand, I don’t necessarily want to dwell on all the empty calories I’ve poured into a wine glass over the course of my adult life. I contracted an STD in my 20’s – chlamydia – which was easily cured by medication, thankfully. But none of these things have haunted me, so that’s not why Lennon’s article inspired me to finally write about regrets, a topic I’ve long considered. Regrets, embarrassments, mistakes. We’ve all said or done things we wish we could take back. I’ve had many experiences and made many choices I would not describe at a yell from a bullhorn in the back of a pickup truck. The two that haunt me the most to this day, however, were arrived at innocently, and I never explained myself, defended myself. Why these two circumstances still pop into my mind from time to time I honestly don’t know. Yet writing about them might release the weight of this baggage I’ve been carrying around. Number One: My junior year of college at South Dakota State University I rented a duplex a few miles out of town with two roommates. I drove my little Pinto station wagon to and from home and classes and my part time job at TradeHome Shoes in the Brookings mall. One day, driving back home, I saw what appeared to be an abandoned school bus with flashing red lights by the side of the road. As I drove around and past – out of the corner of my right eye – I saw a young girl stop what I presume was her younger brother from crossing the street right as my car was passing where they would have crossed. In other words, I came very close to hitting two young children with my car. “Idiot!”, or worse, you might be saying. I honestly thought the school bus was broken down and abandoned. I didn’t see any heads in the windows, and I grew up in a very rural area where the school bus went miles between homes to pick up students. In my 12 years of schooling in Clark County, long before stop signs were added to school busses, I had never seen red flashing lights on one. The bus driver obviously called in my license plate number because the police called within just minutes of my arriving at home. I was devastated. I couldn’t afford the fine of $100 (that was a lot of money to me back then; I had to ask my parents to cover it) so I went to court in hopes the judge would lighten the fine for my being present. Yet when asked if I was innocent or guilty, I pled “guilty” without saying anything about why I was guilty. Here’s where I say “idiot!” and need to forgive myself. Had I said something like, “Your Honor, I am guilty, but please allow me to tell you why. I thought the school bus was broken down and abandoned. I had never seen a flashing red light on a school bus before and didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t see anyone in the bus. Yet when I passed it and saw two young children ready to cross the street, my heart jumped into my mouth as I realized I could have hit them. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever had.” The judge may have still fined me the entire $100. Yet I might have felt better about myself if I had explained. And perhaps this incident wouldn’t still pop into my mind so many years later. Number Two: I was at a community theatre auditioning for the musical Little Shop of Horrors. It was a full two-day audition with reading, singing and dancing.  One of the many people there, Heather, had been my scene partner in a prior acting class, so I knew her fairly well and considered her a friend. It was a lively audition with many qualified candidates (and a great show – after not being cast I saw it and loved it!) The director ultimately cast a white guy in the lead male role, and a black gal in the lead female role. Before I even saw the show, I fell in love with her voice. She was a good friend of Heather’s. I remember Heather’s first name as we had spent time outside of class together as scene partners, and were in class together more than once. I don’t remember her friend’s name. I remember what she looked like and how she sounded; I thought she was terrific. I commented to her, “Wow, I’ll bet you can really sing gospel music.” I saw the expression on her and Heather’s faces, and immediately realized they both thought I had uttered a racial slur. I was horrified. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. Neither did either of them; they quickly found somewhere else to sit, though. I love gospel music – I always have – even though I grew up in a family with the message, “Birds don’t interbreed; why should humans?” It was never explicitly said, but I knew the message was really “Marry within your own race.” And I knew that was a load of crap, even as a very young child. I wish I had told the lead actress it wasn’t a racist comment at all. That I don’t have a bigoted bone in my body; it’s just some female singers have a certain vocal resonance and timbre which bring gospel music alive in my ears and heart. Mahalia Jackson. Wynonna Judd. I would even love to hear Dolly Parton belt out an inspiring gospel tune, are you kidding me? But I never told her that. And now I don’t even remember her name. Action Step: If you have a similar mental haunting, perhaps sharing it with someone you trust will help you as well. Sharing your regrets may help bring them out of the darkness and into the light. If you found this post helpful, please share it with your friends! Authentically Yours, Laura